When I look back over the passing fragmented images of what I remember of my life, I see mostly good things. I see some sad things and some hardships too but I see mainly good things. I also see a strange commonality in all of my experiences both good and bad which rarely exists for me anymore. I see simplicity. My joys were simple ones. My hardships were simple hardships. Even the ones that nearly pushed me over the edge, they were pretty simple. I could name the problem. I could name pretty much everything. “I am happy, sad, angry because…..”
Now however, joys run deeper, made profounder by the wisdom of life’s experiences. The dreams realized in others for instance, allow for tears to flow down my cheeks in pure elation of spirit. My empathy is something that continues to grow over the years. Bliss will also sometimes come bidden and unbidden in the rare moments I can be alone or when the unexpected happens…and when I am drawn close to Love.
And hardships? They too live deep within the ocean of my soul, floating backwards and forwards between the conscious and unconcious. It is what I have to do to maintain a bit of sanity. Listen and pray and then allow it to fall into the deep sea until like a buoy, it resurfaces again pulling at my empathy and calling out to me to do something. The complexity lies partly in the deeper understanding that some things take time or different moments to fix, for myself and for others. The more people I draw to me, the more people I love. The more people I love….well, the more burdens I bear. I am glad and honoured to be chosen. I cannot heal someone’s depression or addiction and it often remains the same. Yet I want so desperately to pick them all up in my arms like I did when my children were little and make it all better. How silly I am to think that sometimes I know what the answer is for them when sometimes I don’t know what the solutions are to things I myself struggle with.
The other reason for the complexity is that if you take any hardship and look at it, you realize that there are many angles to it. I can take any one of my past hardships and narrate it in different ways. All of them true. Perception seems to have become multi-faceted as I got older making decisions harder to make.
Thankfully, like the diamond, joys too are multi-faceted, catching the light and reflecting it on the willing hearts, the reward to those who were willing to first love and share the burden.